College Downtime - Random Ass Reviews - HealthStep - World Exclusive Interview with Paris Hilton!


HealthStep Review
Price: $39.90 + SH

Human nature was just made to squat. If you're constantly suffering from chronic constipation, or your middle name just happens to be Hemorrhoid, then boy do I have something for you. You see, an ingenious team of scientists have just invented something so revolutionary that your ass cheeks will be "high-fivin" one another until they're bright red. It's called the HealthStep, and it will revolutionize the way you poop forever. Give your ass the vacation it really needs; give it a HealthStep.

After countless hours of theorizing and critical analysis of hundreds of thousands of toilet architecture, the academically proclaimed Department of Toilet Posture at Illinois University finally solved one of the longest-standing problems facing the science world to this day. If you're not a subscriber to "Flushing Weekly", then let me do a little backround for you. The Grand Elimination Theory, as its commonly referred to throughout the academic realm, is one that ranks up there right next to Einstein's Grand Unification Theory which attempts to find one grand theory that unites all the forces of the universe in one simple way. The goal of the Grand Elimination Theory is quite similar, but on a much smaller scale: To find the precise and ideal angle of squatting so that one's colon is perfectly aligned with the toilet bowl. While you may think I'm crazy for putting this theory in the same category as Einstein's, I offer you a challenge. Even if you and your bowels have a great relationship, I challenge you to take the squat and see for yourself.

As you can see from the high-resolution images of the HealthStep, countless man-hours went into the flawless, hi-tech design. Notice how the HealthStep can easily slide right around the bottom of your toilet, nearly vanishing from view with it's patent-pending wrap-around design. Or how about the intensly rugged foot-grips that will ensure you maximum comfort and peace of mind while you are dropping those once-stubborn kids off at your local pool; it truly is a work of art. If you're still skeptical at this point, let me pose a question. Would you rather keep your Hemorrhoids and the 3 hour excursions that it takes to push that last, stubborn, neighborhood kid out the door at the city pool, or is that fun to you? Save yourself the blood, the sweat, and countless broken toilet paper wall-dispensers and go buy a HealthStep. Plus, this will stop your wife and kids from wondering why the fuck Daddy has been swearing and banging the walls in the bathroom for the last four hours.

In order to supply our faithful readers with the most imformative, professional review we took to the streets and sat down with some of the most influential names in the media. We listened to what they had to say about the HealthStep, and what it's done for them.

Our first interview was with the lively Paris Hilton, who reportedly already had a HealthStep for every bathroom in her New York penthouse. We were able to hook up this exclusive one-on-one interview with the socialite actually because she had contacted us, yes us, about loving our site. I was shocked and thrilled to find out that huge celebrities like Paris Hilton were reading, and actually enjoying College Downtime. Then reality hit home like usual for me when we realized she thought that we were Domino's Pizza. So in order to get this interview, we just had the Steinacologist jump a Domino's delivery kid and steal his uniform for me. This bitch seriously loves her pizza. Anyway, enjoy the exclusive interview!

[Raffman]Thanks so much for doing this interview with us, Paris. We really appreciate it.
[Paris]Where are all the camera television thingies? Like, um, ...
[Raffman]No, Paris, this is for a website called College Downtime. It's a huge college entertainment m-
[Paris]The Internet?
[Raffman]Yeah.
[Paris] ...
[Raffman]Um, you know, ... the Internet. You know how that um, uh ... tape, uh, you have, had, er, that was spread all over the place (that I'm making money off, you slut!) ...?
[Paris]What are you talking about?
[Raffman]Um, you know, the movie ... um, with like the ... and that guy ...
[Paris]Huh?
[Raffman]Oh, it's not important. Let's get down to business, shall we Paris?
[Paris]You're wierd, you know that? Business? I thought this was an interview.
[Raffman]You're right, anyway, let's talk about the HealthStep. I heard you own one for every bathroom in your house! What got you hooked?
[Paris]Nicole actually did. When we were filming the first season of My Simple Life, she got some serious bloating from the country food; ick it was so gross.
[Raffman]What? You don't like mashed potatoes and fresh vegetables?
[Paris]What? No dude, she was like, seriously farting like madstyle. I almost cried it was so bad. Then I like tried to call my sister and tell her how horrible it was getting and my cell phone wouldn't get any service, w-
[Raffman](Astonished)You know how to use a cellphone!?
[Paris]Of course I do, what the hel-
[Raffman]Um, crap, sorry that just slipped out. So, uh, let's get back on track. Ms. Richie was having some problems with the food you said?
[Paris]Yeah, so she ordered one of those Healthy Squatters thingies, and she started raving about it. She was like, "Oh my god, this thing feels so much more natural!" and, "Paris, you hafta try this - it's like a vacation for your butt!"
[Raffman]Wait a minute, Nicole Richie said, "It's like a vacation for your butt."? Did I just hear that right?
[Paris](Checking voicemail)
[Raffman]Um, Paris?
[Paris](Talking on cell phone)"Yeah, so I told that loser, 'Nice fake Armani ...'"
[Raffman]...
[Paris](Off phone)Um, who are you?
[Raffman]Me? Uh, we were doing an interview about th-
[Paris]Psshh. I don't do interviews mister. Nice try though.
[Raffman]Uh, riiight (Dr. Evil voice).
[Paris]You're wasting my clock.
[Raffman] Clock ... What? Whatever. Well, thanks for your time and congrats again on your film!

While the interview didn't go exactly as planned, it was still worth it. You won't find this exclusive interview anywhere else, although I doubt anyone else would really want it once I think about it. Well how about the other celebrity interviews on the HealthStep? Actually, we lied. We don't have any other interviews; we spent all our time tricking Paris into sitting down with us that we never had any time to sit down with anyone else. We just told you there were others to make sure you'd keep reading. And it worked pretty well, eh?

Anyway, you've heard the testimonials and seen the facts. If you haven't watched the How To video or seen the HealthStep commercial, then go watch them right now! Jesus, those are even better than the exclusive interview! If you haven't ordered your HealthStep yet, you need to soon. While I'm sure they won't run out anytime soon, I'm confidant your ass will thank you with all that shit you've put it through. Ha! Pun intended. See you all next time.

Rating:
(4/4)

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