Funny Drunk Story: What Now?
Took Place: Southern Illinois University

Thursday, May 1, 2003 10:30 pm- Kyle, Jamie, and Paul went to Sidetracks. Justin, Scott, Nick, Tim, and a bunch of other people were up there acting like groupies for the band that was playing. The band was not that good so we left after slamming 3 24 oz Budweiser's and headed up to karl's where we saw some chick wearing nothing but a Thong it was quite a nice site! . 11:30 pm- Kyle orders a stiff Adios Motha Fucker at Gatsby's. Some little bitch gets in his face and asks whys Kyle was gonna jump him. Kyle punked him out and the kid walked away. Friday, May 2, 2003 12:00 am - Paul and Scott are all about fighting and Kyle is getting drunker by the minute. 12:15 am - That little bitch came up to Kyle and said that he wanted to talk. Kyle walked to the other side of the bar with him and two bouncers, the D.J. (Brad A.K.A. D.J. Cornbread), and Scott and Paul follow them over. The kid bitched up and wanted to swash the beef. Since Kyle had no idea what it was about he said, "what ever man. Just don't come at me on some bullshit ever again." The kid just walked about like a hoe. 12:30 pm- Miller and Strauss headed to the liquor to go grab some booze and start getting fucked up 3:00 pm - Strauss and Miller head back to the liquor to get another case of beer. 4:00 pm- Strauss, Miller, Ramdick, Brad, Carrot, Scott, Brodie, Frank, Sergei and Jake grabbed a shit load of beer and headed out to go see X-Men 2. 4:15 pm - Kyle, Ryan, and Jamie went over to Gatsby's to play pool and drink. Kyle decided he needed to get some booze in him before his Accounting final at 5:30 (who the fuck schedules a final at 5:30 on a Friday any way?). 5:45 pm- Strauss is just pounding beers during the movie. He sat all of his bottles on the ground in front of him. Then Ramdick's dumb ass decides to kick over all the bottles right in the middle of the only quite part of the movie. 6:30 pm - Kyle goes over to Karl's and Strauss and Ramdick show up. We all start to booze. Everyone was starting to get a little scummy 8:00 pm- Mike, Carrot, Scott, Strauss, Kyle and Jamie all head over to Sidetracks pound a few. Pitchers were going down like fuckin water. 9:00 pm - Strauss looks up and sees a dumb motha fucka dressed like a fuckin pirate. So Strauss fuckin opens his mouth and says "Only fuckin faggots dress like fuckin pirates." Then the big motha fucka walks over and ask Strauss what he said. Strauss repeated his line and then asked him why he was fuckin dressed like that. The dude said that he played on the ruby team. He said it in a way that I guess it was suppose to make Strauss scared. All Strauss said back to him was "Who gives a shit you still look like a faggot". The fuckin dude walks away all pissed off. 10:00 pm- Pitchers still going down like water and everyone was getting fuckin shitty. Then Strauss walks out on the stage and for some fuckin reason he decides to start dancing with an ugly ass fuckin hippy. Then Peterson walks out on stage and starts dancing with one of the fattest chicks that anyone has ever seen. It made Rhonda from Road Trip look fuckin skinny. 11:00 pm- Peterson is still dancing with the fat bitch. Then he fuckin decides that it would be a good idea to finger the bitch. After he does that he walks over to the table and tries to run his fingers under Miller's nose and say butterscotch. Miller turned around and said " Fuck that shit Peterson, that aint no fuckin butterscotch, that is smells like fuckin bacon grease". 11:30 pm- Don't remember anything what happened for a long time Saturday May 3, 2003 12:00 am - Kyle and Strauss leave Sidetracks to go to Gatsby's for an Adios Mutha Fucker. Some bitch grabbed Kyle as soon as he walked in the door and dragged him around for a while. She was all over his dick but Strauss decided that it was time to leave. Kyle was so drunk that he said fuck it and left. 2:30 am- Kyle and Strauss are walking down West College. Kyle fuckin finds a god damn tree branch and decides to walk around with it. Kyle and Strauss not ready to stop partying decided to walk up to this party that was going on up the street. When they get there, they realize that there are no fuckin chicks at that party and that all the dudes really did not like the fact that they rolled with a big fuckin stick. Strauss and Kyle after being there for about 30 seconds decided to leave. 2:45 pm- Kyle brings out his fireworks to start playing with. We decided that instead of putting them into the ground they would hold them in their hands until they shot off. Strauss was so fucked up that he kept forgetting to let go of the fuckin thing so the bottle rocket kept going off in his face. After about twenty minutes of having bottle rockets going off in his face Strauss decided to go home for the night. 10:00 am- Kyle, Miller, Strauss, Jamie and Ryan all head out to get breakfast. Strauss was all fucked up in the restaurant kept yelling that he wanted a fuckin beer. But the fuckin place didn't serve beer until 11 god damn o'clock. So they all finish their food and got the fuck out the restaurant. 11:30 am- Jamie and Strauss head to the liquor store to get beer so everyone could start getting fucked up. 11:45 am- Everyone cracks their first beer. 12:00 pm - Miller decides to go get out his knives and started to cut up shit. Knives and beer the best combo ever fuckin created. 12:30 pm- Miller gets board with his knives and decided to go get his ninja stars. Everyone all fuckin afternoon was just drinking beer and throwing stars. 3:00 pm- Three fuckin thirty packs later Kyle and Strauss decide to have a throw off with the stars. So they each walk twenty five steps away from each other and turn around. They each then took a turn throwing the stars at each other. None of the stars came even fuckin close to hitting each other. 4:00 pm- Beer kept flowing and assholes kept getting drunker. 5:00 pm- Strauss and Kyle head down to Karl's because we ran out of beer. 5:45 pm- Kyle leaves so that he can take a shower and fuck Jamie. 6:30 pm- Strauss all fucked kept fuckin grabbin the bitches at Karl's and tellin them all that he wanted to munch their box 7:00 pm- Strauss for some fuckin reason dropped his fuckin pants and started to walk down the street with his shit hangin all out. He did not just do it once the fucker did it four fuckin times. 8:00 pm- Kyle and Jamie show back up to Karl's. Then everyone wanted to play fuckin flippy cups. 8:45 pm- We all are in the middle of a game of flippy cups and Strauss started to talk shit to one of the bitches that were playin the game. He work out a deal with her that if her team lost she would have play the next round topless. Shit never works out as planned. Strauss fuckin choked and fuckin couldn't flip his cup write, and on the other team some asshole would not throw the game so we could see her fuckin tits. 9:00 pm- The party starts to kick off. Fuckin Strauss and Kyle were talkin about all types of stupid shit. Then Kyle got the idea that he was going to fuck Jamie in the middle of the party in front of everyone. 9:45 pm- Strauss goes behind the bar and tries to play bartender with no fuckin liquor. Then all the sudden some nasty ass fat bitch walks up and asks for some jungle juice. Strauss told she was too fat and she did not need any juice. So she take a swig out of the cup and spills all over herself. Strauss started bustin out laughin. For the rest of the night Strauss keep calling the bitch Miss Piggy because you looked like a fat fuckin pig. 10:00 pm- The bar at the fuckin party opened up. Strauss decide that he was not goin to leave that area. So why he is fuckin standing there the big black chick walks up behind him. Strauss turns around all drunk and says " What the fuck are you lookin at". She said " Not much". So Strauss told her to fuck off. He asked her what her fuckin name was and she said "Passion". Strauss was fuckin stunned, who the fuck names their child Passion. Next thing Strauss know his fuckin shirt was off. 10:30 pm- Kyle and Jamie decide that there is enough people at the party. They walk up onto the stage, Kyle sit in the chair and pulls his pants down. Jamie then lifts up her skirt and the shit was on. They were fuckin in front of everyone at the party. Ramdick walks by and shakes his. Then some dumb ass kid asked Ramdick if Kyle and Jamie were fuckin. Ramdick was like what do you think you dumb ass, Kyle's pants are on the ground and Jamie is bouncing up and down on his lap like a little fuckin rabbit. 10:45 pm- Strauss comes around the corner dressed up like a gay fuckin LL Cool J. He had a big ass hoop earring in, and fuckin fuzzy Kanglo hat, girlly ass glasses on and no shirt. Kyle walks up to Strauss and asked him why he was dressin like a fuckin faggot. Strauss so fucked up just turns and walks back over to the bar and orders a drink. Next thing Strauss knows Passion's big ass is right behind him rubbing his back. Strauss turns around and asks her what the fuck she was doin. Next thing he know she is undoing his pants and pulls them down. This would not normally be a problem but Strauss never wears and draws under his pants. So there Strauss is standing in front of the bar with his pants down around his ankles and with everything hangin out. Strauss pulls his pants up and asked her why she did that shit. You know what she did, she took the fuckers off again. After havin his pants dropped eight times Strauss decides that it is time to go to the bar. 11:15 pm- Strauss and Ryan leave the party to head out and do a mock bar crawl. As they left they decide to stop and have a shot of vodka before they hit the bar. That sounded like a better idea when they were just talking about it. Strauss fuckin took his shot and ran right the fuck outside and puked that shit right up. After he was done pukin, Strauss and Ryan headed for the bar. 11:30 pm- Ryan and Strauss get to Stix. They walk up to the bar and order a Long Island Ice Tea. As the bar tender was makin the drink Strauss noticed something, the bartenders ass was hangin out of her fuckin skirt. Strauss must have just stood there for about five fuckin minutes just starin at her ass. 11:45 pm- Strauss and Ryan decide to play darts. When they went up to the bar to get darts they found out that the bar had none. Strauss then asks a townie if they could take him on in a game of Cricket. Bad fuckin idea, the game was over in about ten minutes and that was with three people throwin. Ryan and Strauss kinda pissed decide to leave and head to another bar. Sunday May, 4 2003 12:00 am- Strauss and Ryan show up a Gatsby's. Right when they walk the first thing Strauss orders is and Adios Motha Fucka. After getting their drinks Ryan and Strauss decide that they wanted to play pool. 12:15 am- Strauss and Ryan start playing pool. Strauss was so fucked up by this point that he could not even see the damn cue ball. A couple of shots he tried to take ended up with him hitting his fuckin head on pool table. 12:30 am- Strauss realizes that he can not play anymore. So they pack up the balls and take them back up front. While they were walkin up there Ryan grabs the eight ball of some ones table, and puts it in his pocket. Strauss and Ryan decide to go ahead and get another Adios Motha Fucka. Shit started to get real fuckin blurry after that. 12:45 am- Strauss and Ryan did not feel like paying a fuckin cover to get into the bar so the walked in through the back fence. They started fuckin drinkin more and more Long Islands. While they were at the bar the got the crazy fuckin idea to jump on a freight train and just ride on the motha fucka to another town. 1:45 am- The bar fuckin closes, Strauss then got out this phone and called Kyle to tell him that he was jumpin on a train and that he was goin to need to drive and pick us up the next morning in whatever town we ended up in. 2:00 am- Ryan goes and picks up a 12 pack for the ride on the freight train. Strauss and Ryan stood on the tracks for a good twenty minutes. Then all the sudden they saw the train. Ryan and Strauss take off running after the fuckin thing. While they were running though they were losing all there beer the case broke open while they were running and can were just fallen and breakin open. The next thing that Ryan and Strauss know is that the fuckin train was gone. The damn thing must have turned around when it saw both of them running after. Mean while, Kyle, Daddy Scott, and Jake went over to Klein's place for after hours. Kyle was calling Nicole and her dumb friends sluts and pouring beer on them. 2:30 am- Strauss and Ryan were fuckin pissed that they didn't get to be hobos for a fuckin night. To take out some anger they find a no parking and start beatin the shit out it. After hitting it a few times they decide that they were just going to steal the whole fuckin sign. They just start rippin at the motha fucka until the damn post. Once they had the post broke, Ryan called up Grace to come pick us up so we could take the sign with us. 2:45 am- Grace shows up with her car and Ryan and Strauss jump in the car with sign and take off. 2:50 am- Grace drops Strauss and the sign off at Karl's place. Strauss starts slammin the post on the floor in the house to see if it will stick. Karl comes up stairs and takes the post away from Strauss. 3:00 am- Strauss then heads down stairs where some dumb hoe was dancing naked on stage. So Strauss being the dumb ass that he is runs up on stage and starts to dance with her. Mean while, Kyle saw a bunch of guys beat the shit out of some dude that was throwing eggs at people from the roof. It was a Menace II Society beat down. The cops were on their way so Kyle took his warrants and left. You can fill in the rest from there.

Submitted By: KidBacardi
Submit your own Drunk Story right here.
Back to all the Drunk Stories.
Back to College Downtime's Drinking menu.
Back to College Downtime's main page.