View from the Porta-Potties
Written by Dietrich - July 7th, 2004

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Welcome to the pool of all that is wrong with this world. What a 4th of July this was. One of the 2 jobs I have is at a shitty clothing store in the shitty building we call a mall. If you can’t tell, I’m not a big fan of the job. I am proud to say that I am the only straight guy that works there… I’m surrounded by either gay guys or not so attractive girls, which doesn’t make the job any better… anyways, on the 4th, I had to work from one to close, which is around six. Having told my boss that I was going out of town, he was nice enough to make me close, but that’s another story. After I got off work, I proceeded to make my way to the Arch of America. Not McDonalds, the other American Arch, the one in good old St. Louis. As we’re driving into that wonderful city, I can’t help but notice how small it is. Coming from near Chicago, this city has nothing.

After navigating the bassackward streets, we find our hotel. After we check in, we climb into the elevator. This is where I get my first encounter of the “local life�. As we walk in, the guy inside begins yelling at us to watch out for his Air Force One’s. As if that douchebag's shitty-ass white shoes are really worth that kind of money. If you’re that worried about your god damn shoes, don’t wear them. We got set in our hotel room and preceded to adventure down to the Great Mississippi River for the fireworks. As we’re walking down there, I begin to understand locals. They are all redneck hillbillies. I had no idea that rednecks could live in the city. What was I thinking? All the guys are walking by in their daygo’s with their girls in their cutoff, 1984 jean shorts and their 1972 halter tops. As we tried to enter the river front, it was time to pass through security. We are forced to wait in these long “lines� before being able to walk through. Some of the locals, wearing their miniskirts, start yelling not to look up their skirts even though only their girlfriends are with them.

As the Wallflowers play in the background, we made our way to our great firework viewing spot, right above the goddamn porta-potties. We end up having to talk to this hick who’s telling us that the air show that we “missed� was the greatest ever and the guys in the biplanes did things he had never seen before. At just before 9:40, the fireworks took off. It was actually a good show, but following the show was when the excitement happened. As we’re walking out, amongst all the REALLY LOUD people, I turn and see a family about to box. The son was all up in the drunk dad’s face while the mom was trying to stop it. It was about to get really sweet in St. Louie. Of course, the really loud people realized all the attention wasn’t on their annoying asses after a few minutes of fame, and they couldn’t have that. So what do they do next? Well they threw a pack of Black Cats right into the crowd of about 200 to remedy the situation. Dumb Asses… All in all, the trip to the pool of all that is wrong in the world was ok. I saw Redneck, hillbilly white folk along with the extremely annoying, shoe worrying black folks. To finish it all off, the trip ended with a delicious father and son duo with sweet mullets. Discuss Dietrich's first article in the College Downtime forums!

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