Care Packages 101
Written by Raffman - April 29th, 2004
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Care Packages. We've all gotton them, whether or not you're man or woman enough to admit it. Now
I'm not talking about the nice ones from
your relatives or friends, I mean the ones that your parents sign off for some company to send you a box of completely useless shit.
If you've ever gotton home from
class and seen a big brown box sitting in front of your door with a big green envelope, then you know what I am talking about.The usual care package consists of two things, a sand pale full of useless shit to "ease your stress", and a smaller box filled with candy; half of which you've never heard of and would probably never eat. First off, why the in the world would one of us need a sand bucket in the first place? I bet 9 times out of 9 it gets used as a barf-bucket once everyone finishes their finals, seeing how most college bathrooms aren't too clean.
Wait, it gets better. Inside, the lucky recipient will recieve a slinky, play bubbles complete with wand, a deck of miniature cards, play-doh, and some IQ card game that most of us wouldn't be able to figure out anyways. All I can say is, whoever the marketing director is for this fucking company needs to realize that most college kids don't give a fuck about bubbles and play-doh anymore, regardless of what the media tells you. Why can't they just send a bucket of Corona's or something worthwile? That's a much better stress reliever.
Next up is the food box, which is a slight improvement from the "Bucket-O-Fun". On second thought, maybe not. First off, the fruit they package in these things is usually old, and almost always bruised to all hell. The candy, while some is worthwhile, mostly consists of hand-me down shit with brand names that you can't even pronounce unless you rip out your own tongue. In my opinion, it's just not worth it.
All of us get them, whether we're seniors or freshmenhate them. Now one of you who's reading this right now is probably disgusted because maybe you still play with Play-Doh, but you are greatly outnumbered. In fact, if you are that person, send me your mailing address so I can post it up here so all of us can send you the shit we don't want.
So now that we all concur that care packages suck, let's move on. I want to encourage all of you viewers out there to keep submitting content, whether it's a sweet picture of your roomate passed out or a new joke you heard, we want it. Check out the content menu in the upper-left part of your screen, underneath the clocktower, to start browsing and submitting. All of your support is greatly appreaciated.
Also be sure to check out our delicious forums! I'm just looking for two or three of you to start talking on there, don't be shy now. For Buddha's sake, there are 14,000 of you who come here every day, so once someone starts talking on it the dominoes will start rolling and you can meet new people. Don't make me drive to your freaking school and beat you down, because I am totally willing as long as someone lets me borrow their car. And as long as I don't miss any of my finals, that would suck too.
Thanks for all the applications for our Staff Movie/Music Reviewer, I'm in the process of reviewing them all and will notify the winner very shortly. I'm also now looking for someone who'd like to write video game reviews, so if you have a decent writing ability, some free time, and a good sense of humor then email me with your resume and a portfolio. All jobs are paid positions by the way. Good luck to everyone on their respective finals, and finish your beer because there are sober children in India right now!
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